EXPERIENCING THE MMMICHIGAN TIGERS
By: Nemo
Jeff Zurek’s
Diary Entry # 1
As I start my
second full season with the Michigan Tigers, I found this an opportune time to
pass on a little knowledge to anyone who chooses to read this. I started by receiving Woz’s full assurance
that I have full creative freedom in this—that part was easy. The truly difficult part was breaking into
Jeff Zurek’s house to retrieve the necessary research material from which the
remainder of this article will be written.
The other member of the Tigers to make his inaugural appearance in Fall
Ball of 2007, I wished to delve into the mindset of our assistant coach and
teammate in an attempt to better understand what it means to be a Michigan
Tiger. After entering into Z’s bachelor
pad/child daycare center, I walked around looking for anything that would give
me any insight. The human-sized
chocolate Santa under the covers in his bed was probably a good start, but
other than mentioning that here, I don’t know how helpful that will really
be. But what I found in his Hope chest
broke the case wide open: his diary. As
the son of a journalist, I recognize that some level of discretion is necessary
when writing—but trying to edit Z’s personal narration for clean content would
be like me breaking the team steals record: worth attempting, but ultimately a
hopeless cause.
The following is
an excerpt from Z’s diary. I caution the
reader that this is not for the faint of heart.
Rated NC-17 for strong language, sexual content, brief nudity, nudity involving
briefs, and inappropriate illustrations on a restaurant napkin.
Dear Diary,
Another rough day
for me. I keep trying to follow my
horoscope’s advice and not be afraid to talk to girls, but every time I try
they just laugh at me and throw sticks at my face. One girl even said to me she wouldn’t let her
worst enemy even look at my tiny penis.
How does she know? I can’t even
begin to understand it because I know mom wouldn’t tell anyone, and other than
Uncle Joey (and he’s still in jail), nobody else has seen it. I don’t know who’s spreading these rumors
about me, but I’ve gotta squash them quick… maybe I’ll try those Enzyte pills
or a pump or something. More to come on
this topic…
On a good note, I
started playing baseball with a new team today.
AWESOME! This guy Woz (pretty
sure that’s not his real name, kinda looks like Todd Jones without the
Heineken) approached me at Danny’s in
Another guy who
joined on the team they call Nemo. Woz
insists on making Finding Nemo jokes, nobody finds them very funny. Especially not Nemo. I don’t think Woz knows, but Nemo was this close to hitting him in the head
with his bat. Twice. Otherwise, if I could say anything about
Nemo, it’d be this: Tall. Dark. Handsome.
‘Nuff said.
There’s this
other guy who insists on wearing a
Jay, a.k.a. “The
Candy Man,” does this weird stretch where he humps the ground. He insists it stretches something, but I’m
pretty sure it just stretches the ground.
That’s just a few
of the guys—I’m sure I’ll be mentioning more about them later (i.e. that
dreamboat Mac and his soft, supple hands—no, seriously, he breaks that thumb
just about every 3rd game).
For now, it’s just nice to smell the Fall Ball breeze, feel the long
grass between my thighs (they should mow the lawn at Vets once in a while), and
just get out to the ol’ park. It’s
almost as good as the 4 day coke binge I did in
‘Til next
time. JZ out.
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